“D…..on’t. I try to stammer out before my two year old
finishes chugging a whole can of coke. It was like it was all happening in slow
motion. He looks at me with these wild, smiling eyes just waiting to see what
my reaction will be, but pleased that he got the whole coke down before I could
stop him. And I couldn’t move, I had a newborn on my lap with a bottle in his
mouth. Not to mention I was on the phone with their doctor trying to make an
appointment. And just when I thought the moment couldn’t get any crazier, it
did. My newborn started puking, and I’m not talking about a little spit up, I’m
talking full blown puke all over me, himself, and the couch. Ryder (my two year
old) just looks at us and starts cracking up. I look at him, back at my
newborn, my clothes (which by the way hadn’t been changed in two days), and
back at my phone (which had a nurse on the other line still talking) and just
like any good mom would do, I just sat there. I stared in a daze as my toddler
continued laughing, my newborn began to scream and the nurse started spouting
off facts that I didn’t hear because I was in my own world. A pretend world
far, far away. A world where cans of coke didn’t exist, babies didn’t cry or
puke, and mommies woke up beautiful without makeup, showers or a change of
clothes. I was just enjoying this moment when, bam. I feel something wet on me.
This can’t be happening I tell myself. This REALLY can’t be happening, but it
did. My newborn peed through his clothes and it was now leaking onto me.
Pause right there (if you can).

We got married my junior year of college
and started working as youth pastors just two weeks after our honey moon. Two
years later, we had our first son, Ryder. We then moved again and became
Children’s Pastors in his home town, Henderson, Kentucky. Two more years later
and we find ourselves with another precious baby boy, Gabe. Pause.
Now, back to my morning, because believe it or not it gets better. I
finally get off the phone with the nurse. I began to change my newborn and he
starts pooping (can I even say that on here?), yes pooping all over me and the couch
(how does that even happen?!). And it’s right here that I had a moment with
Jesus. It wasn’t pretty. In fact, it was ugly. I began to let Him have it,
because after all, it was his fault. It was his fault that I graduated with a
Bible degree, had dreams and goals in life and that instead I was getting
pooped, puked, and peed all over, literally. It was his fault that I wasn’t
always happy about starting another Monday because it meant another long week
of changing diapers, feeding, praying my toddler is in a good mood, and somehow
getting enough sleep in between the night feedings. It was his fault that we
ate out way too much, I gained way too much weight, and I had piles of laundry
in my utility room. We won’t even mention how long it’s been since I cleaned my
floors. It was all His fault.
And it was during all this
being mad and blaming God that He just gently said to me, “what if this right
here is what I’ve called you to do, Summer?” I sat there. He can’t be
serious. Poop, really?! Clearly God can’t see my struggle, clearly He doesn’t
know how bad at this whole mom thing I am. Clearly, He doesn’t recognize how
little time I have to even spend with Him. He would choose for me to do
something different if He did.
Even as I was saying all of those
things, I knew deep in my heart that He did. He knew. He’s always known. I made
a vow a long time ago to go wherever He would send me and do whatever He would
call me to do. What I really meant was if He would send me to the nations to
write and teach. And here I am, right where God has placed me but I’m
struggling because it doesn’t look the way I thought it would or should.
Cleaning up poop is not glamourous, but it IS important. Being a mom is hard.
So hard. But, being a mom who teaches her sons about God’s love, grace, and
character is even harder. I realized in that moment that I needed God more now
than I ever have or possibly ever will. I don’t just need God when I’m writing
books, preaching, or teaching in His name. I need God in my every day. I need
him when I’m disciplining my toddler, I need Him when I feel like I cannot
possibly give one more ounce of me to another human being, I need Him when I
feel as though I’ve failed as a mom, I need Him when my newborn is crying
uncontrollably and I can’t soothe him. I need God desperately because my
children need God desperately. My precious mother-in-law once said to me,
“Summer what if God has called you to be their mom because THEY are the ones to
change the world?”…What if?
What if that’s my purpose. What if I never write a book or speak at
conferences? What if I only clean toilets at the church and change diapers at
home? …What if?
I sat there still covered in poop,
puke, and pee and I cried out to Him, “I desperately need you, God. I’m so
inadequate, I fail every single time…I have absolutely nothing left to give.”
And, I really didn’t. There, I had said it. I was empty. I had nothing.
So I say to you today, whether you are at home covered in poop, at your workplace overwhelmed, in the midst of a financial struggle, feeling inadequate, or simply just tired, tired from the struggles of life…cry out to God and start living your life fully. Live life fully knowing who He is and who He has made you. You, my dear, are the apple of His eye. And rest assured, God is using you right where you are. You, and you alone, were created for such a time as this. Today, rejoice in those poopy messes. We may not know what our tomorrow holds, but we sure know who holds our tomorrow.
ABOUT SUMMER
I graduated from Central Bible College in 2011. I am now a wife to a cute, Godly man, and stay at home mom to two precious, rambunctious little boys, Ryder and Gabe. We are serving as Children's Pastors full time at Henderson First. I'm an avid Cowboys fan (don't hate:)). Give me a good book, some coffee, and a pretty fall day and I'll be lost for days. I love to play sports and I strive to be a long distance runner, but I'm definitely not there yet (as I'm waiting to catch my breath). I'm passionate about seeing the lost and broken come to know Jesus Christ and his amazing love for them. Someday I aspire to become a Christian author and speaker.
Connect with Summer on Instagram (@summercrowder).
Great article, Summer! I think every mom has felt this at some point. It hit a note for me as I'm at the other end of the spectrum caring for my mom. Thanks for reminding us that even in these places, we are where God has placed us for ministry.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mrs Baker. Your comment means the world to me. Love you and praying for you during this season of your life. You are precious!😘
DeleteSummer, I am so proud of you. Stay in His will, and your steps shall be ordered by Him. There is no more trying, yet rewarding job than being a mom. Keep your eyes on Him, and He will surely keep His arms around you. ~jana
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mrs Jana. I love and miss you!!
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ReplyDeleteYou inspire me as I prepare to embark on the journey of motherhood! I pray I can be half as good as you :)))
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