God Sees Me.

As most of you know I have two sons, my firstborn is almost 4 years old and my youngest is 18 months. The two of them are night and day when it comes to their personality. Ryder, my oldest, was the best baby you could ever ask for. We didn’t even deal with the terrible twos or anything like that with him. The only trouble we had out of Ryder was his sleeping habits (and we are STILL dealing with his sleeping habits). Gabe, on the other hand, came out screaming. Quite literally. I remember that first night at the hospital with him. I just had him and I was so tired and hurting but I couldn’t get him to stop crying. I got up out of the bed and began pacing the floor with him praying (more like begging) God to make this child stop crying. Sometime between the late night hours and wee morning he finally fell asleep, but he has been screaming ever since. I love both of my children so much and I’ve learned to really appreciate their different personalities. Ryder is more of a thinker. He is constantly thinking. And he asks a thousand questions about everything {he gets this from his momma}. Ryder doesn’t like loud noises. Gabe, on the other hand, can’t sit still. He has to always be moving. He wants to be throwing, running, or climbing {and scaring us to death}. He is fearless. And he throws the loudest, worst fits I have ever seen. Over the SILLIEST things. Gabe pushes me further than Ryder does, but he also loves with all of his might.

I give you some details of my children to explain the dynamics in my house right now. No longer am I able to clean my house, sit down or even talk without my youngest screaming, or pulling me to get up. I am not exaggerating. This goes on from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. It’s exhausting physically, mentally, and emotionally. I get frustrated much quicker than I ever have because I have this little one who is constantly unhappy. Now you’re probably wondering why I am complaining about all of this. I’m simply explaining to you what led to my incident the other day. You see, I was at the edge of my breaking point. In fact, I would dare to say I had been feeling a breaking point for quite some time but I kept it to myself. Of course, I would make comments to my husband about running away or how I couldn’t do this and how I was just going to find a full time job and put my children in child care (I know it’s awful that I even thought this, but I’m being so real right now). My husband would lovingly remind me that I wouldn’t make it 5 minutes without them. Basically, I wouldn’t be able to take it. And as much as I didn’t want to admit it, he was right. I would be lost without those two. In fact, every single time I have anyone watch them, no matter how long it is, I immediately turn to my husband after dropping them off and tell him how much I already miss them.

On this particular day Gabe was extra feisty. I mean, every single thing made him mad and he wanted my full attention or me to be up every 5 seconds to get him something out of the kitchen. I’d already felt my breaking point coming and I knew I was about to just go crazy. Luckily, my husband was home because what happened next is a little embarrassing. Gabe began to start screaming and wanting me to get him something while I’m in the middle of helping our 3-year-old. As I’m trying to help both children they both began to scream and cry. At this point, I’m feeling a thousand emotions, but mainly I’m just feeling defeated. I throw my hands up in the air, look at my husband and I simply say, “I can’t do this,” and I proceed to go upstairs as fast as I can. As I’m going upstairs I hear my youngest start crying harder and my oldest yelling, “mommy.” Not really knowing what I was going to do upstairs, I throw myself on the bed and I just start crying. Like ugly crying. Snotty crying. Okay, you get the picture. But here’s the thing. I couldn’t go anywhere; I couldn’t just leave my children or my husband. I couldn’t go hide and pretend they didn’t exist. As much as I was feeling sorry for myself, my heart was also hurting because I knew they were downstairs crying for me. So, I just cried and told God that I couldn’t do this anymore. And ten minutes later, after I had let it all out I went back downstairs and rejoined them.

You’re probably wondering what was so profound about this. The truth is, nothing was profound

about it at all. But something was wrong about it. You see, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, stressed, mad, hurt, tired, and to my breaking point for a while. Some may not believe it’s normal to have a breaking point, but if we are honest we all have our breaking points. The problem isn’t with having a breaking point, the problem is letting yourself reach that breaking point without asking for help. I knew I was there. I knew at any moment I could lose it. I felt it. But, instead of asking for help, taking time to really pray and be honest with God, I just pretended like I was okay and kept going the way I was. The issue with this is I wasn’t okay, and because I wasn’t okay, all it took for me to reach my breaking point was my two little ones crying for me. Luckily, it was a small breaking point and not a deal breaker one. I understand how people leave their spouses, their children and the life they have. I don’t agree with it, but I understand it. It’s because they reach a breaking point; they reach a point of no going back. We don’t reach these points overnight. They build, slowly over time until we feel completely lost, so we leave everything behind to go find ourselves. In the process, we leave everyone we love behind and everything we’ve ever known behind because we think what’s ahead must be better. The truth is, our problems will follow us wherever we go because our problems aren’t the people we are around. The problems lie within us. Something much deeper.

I wasn’t mad at my children or my husband, overwhelmed yes, but not mad. I was overwhelmed because of my own expectations of myself. I was trying to have it all together when really I didn’t have it all together. I needed a strength beyond myself, a quiet place within my soul, a safe haven; a place that only God could give me. Yet, I was refusing to admit it, refusing to go to the One who already saw me where I was. 

I’m convinced God made us to need Him. Without Him we can do nothing. And here I was trying to do life itself without Him. And I was failing, miserably. Being a mommy is hard, but being a mommy without God’s help is even harder. I just needed someone to hear me, to see me, to validate my feelings. And God brought me to Hagar.

Hagar was a maidservant of Abraham, but Abraham’s wife Sarah couldn’t have any children so she asked Abraham to take Hagar and have a child with her. So he did. And she became pregnant with his son. After this, Sarah began to mistreat Hagar, so Hagar fled from her. An angel of the Lord found her and asked her where she was coming from and where she was going. Her response goes a little something like mine would, “I’m running away.” Now, Hagar did only what her mistress had made her do. She was going to bore Abraham a child, a son at that. And yet, she was mistreated for it. So in my mind, she had every reason to run. If anything Sarah should get in trouble. But what does the angel tell her to do? To go back and submit. But he also said, “I will bless you and your descendants…” It was Hagar’s response that spoke to my heart, “You are the God who sees me, for I have now seen the One who sees me.”

God IS the One who sees me. Me. 
Crying me. 
Happy me. 
Mad at me. 
Overwhelmed me. 
Me, right where I am. 

When others don’t understand or approve, God still sees me and hears me. When I’m at my best or my worst, He sees me. And He fights for me. He is on our side, friend. We don’t have to have it all together {He already knows we don’t}. God isn’t asking for our perfection, He is asking for us. All of us. 

So tired mommy, He sees you. He hears you. He sees the messiness of your life right now. He sees the doubts, fears, and insecurities. He sees the silent tears you try to hide. He hears your complaints that you feel guilty about. He knows your struggles. And He loves you. ALL of you…. Right where you are. Go to the One who sees you. Find rest in Him and strength for another day. We’re all in this together, you’re not alone. So my friend, don’t reach that breaking point... you know, the bad one. Come to Him as you are. Give Him your all, even if your all is simply, “I can’t do this.”

1 comment

  1. Summer, I can totally relate to the craziness of kids getting mad over little things especially with our youngest. :) Thank you for vulnerable and transparent article! Such a good word!


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