A Personal Psalm


Lately I’ve been talking a lot about lies. Lies that somehow have gotten inside of me and put down roots and stayed. Lies that are crippling me as of late. Lies I have got to uproot and kill once and for all.

Lies about my identity. Lies about my beauty. Lies about who I am. Lies about who God is.

So many lies.

It’s time for truth. Way past time actually.

Today I’m going to share with you a very personal portion of my journal from this past weekend. A personal prayer or psalm perhaps. I’d try to rework it into a “blog post” but then it would lose it’s purity. Because I think it’s shocking that after 30 years with Jesus, I’m still here. Because I’m pretty certain I’m not the only one.

Let me preface this by saying, we all deal with our own lies. Satan is very strategic about that. Perhaps it’s not this particular one that you battle, but insert whichever one it is, and the rest applies for certain. “Satan’s aim is to add a question mark to whatever God says. To engage us in conversation and to leave us wondering if we know God at all.” (Love God Greatly: Truth Over Lies)

23 June 2018
(I began by listing out some lies that have been dominating my thoughts as of late and then countering them with logical truth and reality, and also Scripture.) 

“Lie: God is stopping this. (this: me being in a relationship) He doesn’t want me to have this and he doesn’t have this for me.

Truth: “The Lord God is a sun and shield. He bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Blessed is the (woman) who trusts in Him.” -Psalm 84:11 (NIV)

“All sunshine and sovereign is God, generous in gifts and glory. He doesn’t scrimp with his traveling companions.” (The Message)

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” -Psalm 37:4

Thank you, Holy Spirit, for bringing that verse to the surface of my heart. I’ve always loved it. One of the things I tend to question in the midst of my hurt and emotion is Your goodness and generosity. I’m so sorry that’s true of me. And when I say it like that, it sounds crazy. Because I know you so well. That you are both good and generous in so many ways and have been both so personally to me. It’s only in this one space that I question or doubt. And I really do hate that I do so and how often I do so. In spite of how good and kind You are in so many other ways.

Here’s the thing:

You can't be good and generous in some things or sometimes. You are all good and all generous or You’re not at all.

Of course it’s the first. It’s simply my flesh and my limited perspective that don’t always allow me to see that. My short memory that allows me to forget that You’re keeping anything from me is always You protecting me.

Jesus, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for so many things. For having known You so long and still somehow allowing myself to buy into enemy lies and question such basic things about You. Things I know so very well to be true. Things I’ve experienced so many times over. I’m sorry I’m constantly calling into question Your character and doubting and mistrusting my very best, lifelong friend. Questioning Your love and friendship and motives toward me. I’m sorry because I realize how much that must break Your heart. I suppose I’ve never quite gotten that far down to the root and never quite seen it in that light or from that angle. But that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Thank you for new light and new perspective. For fresh revelation of Your Word-Your character-in my heart. Thank You for revealing more of my broken, sinful flesh in order to show me more of who You are and how desperately I need You.

I do love you Jesus, I do.

Somehow I’m so awful at showing You. Or, I suppose I show you in the wrong ways. In grand gestures and duty and sacrifice. Which is not at all what You have ever wanted.

Quite simply, You want my heart. My devotion. For me to believe You are who You say You are and to rest in that alone for a lifetime.

I’m sorry because I’m getting it all wrong here. Still trying to earn and deserve-even though I don’t think of it that way-Your love and grace. My very life, I think. Trying to live up to the miracle that was me. Still subconsciously striving. Still trying to be enough. To be worth all of the investments made in me. By You, my parents, my family. By so many. I suppose trying somehow to give people-You-what they paid for.

That’s the first time I’ve said that in a way that truly captures what I’ve felt and lived under for my entire life.

I’m also sorry because somehow from that flows a distorted relationship with You in some ways. I don’t mean to serve You or worship You or live for You out of duty or obligation or from a place of being indebted (though I am). But I guess there are still lingering pieces of that.

Which I suppose then leads to the fact that I cannot truly and wholly be delighting myself in You, even though I really, really do want to be.

Jesus, I still have so much to learn. A huge identity crisis of a dire sort.

I’m too old for this. Too grown up in You to still be questioning Your character. To not fully accept Your grace. To be finding my confidence and identity in anything but You.

It’s time.

I’m heading for 30. Not a moment in my life that I haven’t known You.

Time to let go.

Time to break free.

Truly."


Just me?

I know, I know. Another post with a lot of thoughts (deep, hard, messy ones at that) and not a lot of answers or solutions or direction. But what I promised you here in this space, is real life in real time. And guess what, I don’t usually have the answers or the solutions. I don’t even always know how I’m going to get to where I need to go.

But, I know where I need to go. As close to Jesus as I can possibly get. And I’m inviting you to come with me! We’ve all got lies trying to take root. Lies that keep us from being as close to Jesus as He wants us to be. Who wants to join me in putting them to death once and for all?




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