What We're Working On Wednesday

Currently I’m working on and maybe even struggling, you could say, through a couple of things.

#1 My weight and my self worth in regards to it and all of the insecurity surrounding that.

Since moving back from MX, I’ve been dealing with a lot of unexplained weight gain. Not only has it been frustrating because it seems unwarranted while I continue living a healthy lifestyle, it’s also taken a huge hit to my self-confidence and unburied a lot of lies that I worked a really long time to leave behind.

[Just a bit of backstory here. About six years ago, I made a complete lifestyle change and found myself the healthiest I had ever been in every regard. I was so happy to finally not be so obsessed with my weight and and with food and calories and every bite. For once I wasn’t terrified of gaining weight with every bite. I felt like I had control of my weight and understood how to eat and live to keep it that way, and that brought a lot of freedom that I had never experienced before. ]

Fast forward to this year. While continuing to eat and maintain that lifestyle, the weight started to come back. No matter what I tried or changed or added. Still, no matter what I attempt. Here I am feeling all of the same insecurities and fears that I believed were in my past. Out of control and unhappy with my health. Worried and afraid of food and its effects on my body.

Unfortunately, I struggle to separate my weight and my value. They are very much mixed up for me. Without meaning to, I accepted a very long time ago that pretty is synonymous with thin and that thin is a requirement for being chosen and loved. I know I’m going deep here, and maybe a little dark, but this is exactly where I am in this moment. For better or worse. And I won’t come to you with anything but that.

So. Daily I am working to speak truth to my heart and into my eyes—forcing myself to look in the mirror—and love the girl I see again. It’s insane how much easier it is to just leave the lies on repeat. I’m working to let God and people that love me dearly, speak truth also. And I’m trying as hard as I can to believe them. Really, really believe them. It’s sort of slow going. I still don’t have answers and honestly not much is changing. But that doesn’t matter. I have to fight anyways. I have to learn to love myself here—even if nothing ever changes or goes back to how it was. Because the truth of who God says I am remains whether or not things change.

On a bit of a lighter note, I’m working to rearrange and prioritize my time (once again). Let’s be real, I’m pretty sure we never really get to stop doing this. It seems that just when we get the hang of it and find a healthy rhythm, life shakes things up a bit and we are back to square one. Which is where I’m at in this moment. New job, new place, new schedule. Trying to build new friendships and invest in the right ones and find a church community and settle in and maybe find the time to serve in the community……..Anyways. I’m working my way through it week by week finding my new norms in this brand new season.

We hope to model honesty and vulnerability before you, because we believe God can use any story, any struggle, to bridge the gap between false perception and real life. We want you to always know it is okay to not be okay. We also hope our vulnerability will set you free to be transparent with where you are at too! We would love to hear from you today. Where are YOU at? What are YOU working through currently. Who knows, your story and vulnerability may set another woman free to be free.

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