Messy Mondays and Lots of Grace

Lately I feel like I just can’t quite get a grip. On anything really.
Phone Calls.
Mostly time.

It—all of that up there—but mostly time, just feels like it’s always sprinting away or slipping through my fingers. I want so desperately to hold on, to get up in front of it...maybe even be in control of it...and of course it seems to never quite happen. I go to bed again and again feeling like I’ve failed at the day and accomplished so much less than I should have, and already stressed about the extra things not finished today already piled on my tomorrow.

That is for sure how I woke up feeling this week. I was thankful that I forced myself to shut down this weekend and be extra present and engaged with friends from far away, but I woke up dreading everything that I knew was waiting for me and everything that I already knew wouldn’t get done. I woke up on Monday with this sinking pit in my stomach that the day hadn’t even started and I was already so behind.

And then, on my phone screen, behind all of the stuff and the stress, and the little red numbered icons that remind me just how much there is to do and just how behind I am...this:

—Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,—
(Isaiah 43)

This verse has been finding me lately. Exactly where I am. On bus rides and in between emails and late at night when I can’t fall asleep or stop thinking. It finds me and it reminds me and it sort of just settles in. It forces me to breathe deeply and sigh a little and then read it again. Sometimes I feel the tears welling up as I skim the words that I already know so well one more time.

I know it can’t just be me. I know “Monday” gets the best of all of us from time to time and all the “Mondays” in between Mondays. I know we’re all hard on ourselves and we all have tasks and things that just seem to be beating us—the stuff that always seems to be slipping through our fingers—the things we just can’t get in front of. I know it.

And you know what, I’m so over trying to act like it’s any other way.

I spent so many years of my life trying to seem like I had it all together. Trying to convince myself and everyone else that I could handle it—whatever it was at the moment. Trying to be strong and on top of it and not look like I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off even though internally I almost always was.


Not anymore.

There’s so much freedom for everyone in just admitting that it’s not that way. In letting our guard down enough to tell people that we most certainly don’t have it all together. Not only do we get to heave a sigh of relief and rest in our inadequacies and imperfections as HE carries us and shows Himself to be the one that holds it all together, we also give people the space and the freedom to do the same!

THAT is the kind of woman I want to be. The sort of woman who shows you her mess and laughs and pours you a cup of coffee as you get brave enough to show me yours too. The sort of woman who creates space for people’s real and raw reality and in doing so also creates space for lots of grace. I want to be a woman that people can stop holding their breath around.

So ya know what? I’m starting here. At the end of a very long and very messy start to the week. When I’m just now writing the blog post for today. When I’m about to go to sleep with a mountain of unfinished and unknown hanging over my head and my bed and wake up underneath it. And I’m asking you for that space to be real and raw and messy and honest. I’m asking you for grace as I tell you straight up that this week I do not have the blogging thing all together and all figured out and all packaged neatly with a pretty bow. That goes for a lot of other things as well.

And here we’re offering you the same.

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