Where We're At Wednesday with Rachel


I’m scared to write this post.

That’s probably a pretty good sign that I should as it’s “Where We’re at Wednesday” and transparency and honesty is what it’s all about.

Transparency and honesty are scary. So, here we are. 

I thought about trying to translate my most recent journal entry--that never really works for me. I’m not that girl that writes and rewrites and tweaks and edits. I usually write what I mean the first time and usually rewrites and reworks only get us all lost and mixed up along the way.

So in the spirit of Wednesday, I’m giving it to you exactly as I wrote it with a bit of explanation and context here and there since I do understand that it’s very easy to lose people in my head.
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4 November 2018

You know. I keep waking up and thinking it will be over. This phase, this feeling of being okay without this for forever. But instead, I wake up every day more sure. I realize every day how much I mean it. It scares me for a quick moment and then I breath deep and I smile because this is where I’ve longed for my heart to live for so long--content, at peace, at rest, refocused. The ache and the long has not gone, only shifted. The desire is as deep but it’s different.

I’ve chosen. Determined. Set my mind and my heart on new things. But not as a distraction from what I really want--it’s a whole new thing. A replacement. It’s in place of. And finally with pure and true intent.

I’m just in awe. That we’re finally here. After so much wrestling and aching and longing. Heart wrenching prayers when I could barely speak. Tears streaming down my face and knots in my throat. Finally You’ve answered. Finally You’ve handed me the thing I asked for. Well. One of the things I asked for but didn’t actually want. I asked for two things in those dark hours:

1. Please--I know you can! Please let it be my turn!
2. Take away the desire and the longing if this is not what you have for me. Make me not want it!

Of course the second was just what I thought I should say--the obligatory follow up. Sometimes I could hardly say it. A little kid in pain begging you to make it stop hurting, to just make the pain stop. Of course what I wanted was for you to listen to my crying--really my fit--and just let me have what I wanted. Him.

And then one day.

You did respond.

As quickly and as suddenly as I had hoped that you would all along. You did take the pain away. In the way that I had hoped you wouldn’t. You eased the ache and the desire. You took away the longing and the hurt. You did.

NOT by letting it be my turn. NOT by sending him. NOT by giving me what what I wanted.

NO. You gave me what I was most afraid of and the grace to accept it with open hands.

A lack of desire. A whispered hint that it’s not for me now. You have other things.

And just like you do, you changed my heart and shifted my emotions and desires. Made them match yours. In the way I hoped you never would. You handed me the long awaited answer to my prayers almost overnight. The thing I hoped I wasn’t waiting for--nothing.

And somehow, I accept.

I really, really do. And that’s the most surprising thing. I am not angry. I am not sad. I am not bitter. I just accept.

I was asking You to provide.

Him. It.

Instead you provided the grace and the heart space and condition to put my hands out and stretch them open and say, “Okay.” “I’ll take this. I’ll accept this as the way we’re going. The things you’re handing me and mostly the things you’re not.”

Of course I’m surprised. I didn’t think I could. I used to struggle to even say that piece of the prayer because what if You answered it just like that?

But You did.

And I did.

Because You did in me what You knew I needed most. Because You heard my prayers all along. To want what You want more than what I want. Your desires. Your heartbeat. To look like you at any cost. To be Your hands and Your feet. And while I could only feel what had come to the surface of my heart, You saw past to the desires that were at the core of me--beating far beneath these aches.

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I suppose this is a post to all the Single Ladies out there--or perhaps just to anyone who has ever felt heart sick longing for something and praying desperately that God would hear your cries and your prayers and respond.

I’m telling you today something I’ve always known, but finally God has connected my head wires to my heart wires and the electricity that creates is lovely and powerful.

God does hear. He does respond. He does provide.

Always.

We just have to be willing to accept and recognize His response and His provision as is, trusting that He knows better than we do. Believing that He sees the core of our hearts and deep into our souls and past our temper tantrums to the true cry of our heart--the cry that He put there when He created us with great purpose. 

And look. That’s impossible in our fragile, shallow humanity. We cannot accept His greatest gifts to us and His most precious answers to prayer without also asking for His grace to receive from His hands and His heart as we should.

If you’ve known me for any time at all, or if you don’t know me at all I’m telling you now-- this has been the longest and the greatest struggle in my heart and my life. The thing that often causes me to question God’s character in my life. The thing that has left me angry and bitter and jaded. My singleness and all of the disappointment and rejection and loneliness and longing and waiting, and abandonment that has come with it. That’s the “one thing” for me that Satan uses often to turn me away from Jesus and that Jesus consistently uses to teach me and to grow me and to inevitably draw me closer to His heart. This is my thorn.

And it’s hard to explain how it just clicked all of a sudden. How the hurt and the ache subsided and the bitterness melted away. But it did. I just know that this time is different. I don’t feel the lump in my throat and the tightening of my chest and the hot tears welling in my eyes anymore when I think about it or talk about it. I feel a lightness and a brightness and excitement for everything to come now that I’ve finally--truly-- unclenched my fists and opened my heart to His dreams and directions. Now that it’s heart understanding and not just head knowledge.

And I want that for you too. I want that release and that wave of peace and contentment to wash over you. I want His heart for you and I’m praying today that You want it too--and that you’ll have the grace to accept nothing less, whatever that might look like!


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